The way I see people with partnars is immature
Back in middle school when nobody had ever expressed or displayed any intention to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, almost all my thoughts on it were basically from anime, manga and posts on Zhihu, which was nothing but an amusing and casual topic in chats. Enjoying the interesting and sweet plots, I never expected it would come true whether I would be the participant or spectator.
In high school, my former classmates in middle school, including WX, LZ, and FW1, found their respective boyfriends.
When I just entered high school, roommate ZY claimed he knew WX’s boyfriend. Initially, I simply took it as a rumor but, right on winter vacation, WX posted,
I’m yours now
accompanied with an image where she embraced some boy, proving Z. Y.’s claim to be true. She did have a boyfriend! CY explained that they met and fell in love with each other in zhongkao2, while I encountered an interesting boy, too, but what I did was merely adding him to my QQ contacts. Furthermore, in July, 2022, she even came to our school to meet his boyfriend in Class 1, waving and smiling at me to express “long time no see”. Actually, though feeling surprised, I didn’t feel anything wrong to any of them as they both talked to me very normally. I tried fantasizing their intimate interactions, but my mind prohibited me morally because I thoughot it was immoral to apply rule 34 to my friends.
Later on, LZ also posted her boyfriend, and FW’s experience of love was disclosed by my roommates who was once in the same class with her. I started to feel lost. I wondered it whether violated the regulations of our school; I wondered what made them love each other; and so on. But it wasn’t a big deal at any time because I was overwhelmed by the overabundant homework and dysphoria, literally wanting to die and respawn asap — /kill doesn’t work in reality though. 🤧 I desired a soulmate who would understand and support me emotionally and practically.
Simultaneously, roommates Soldier and Megameta also found their girlfriends: JR and ZJ. Differently, they feared and thus refused to interact with their girlfriends, which I didn’t know the exact reason.
Soldier complained, “Since you don’t know her (JR), why would you say hello to her as a stranger?”
“She (ZJ) doesn’t like you whatsoever!” Megameta even threatened me, saying, “I had Fu to guard. She would notify me if you talked to her proactively.”
I don’t know what he feared. Romantically/Sexually, I didn’t like ZJ, either. I enjoyed chatting, but it only indicated I wanted to be her friend, not her girlfriend. Looks I was quite lonely.
By the way, when I spotted such people writing something — which I later knew as love letter — on blank paper, they would instantly went berserk as if they were to kill me. I wrote letters to Mom to convey my love, too, but it was public and anyone could read it if they wanted. I tried to respect their privacy, but I didn’t konw why it was private.
There were people in my class like CS and WT, who was still willing to be a friend with me normally though they had their boyfriends, but roommates’ threats really made me cautious with people with a girlfriend/boyfriend. I really didn’t know how to handle them.
In college, such people were common but didn’t surround me. The majority was still single and focused on study and entertainment until Wanting broke the equilibrium.
As the person who observed her for the most time, I gradually noticed something wrong in this semester. I suspected internally but hid it because I lacked evidence until Yuu and Mangoegg noticed it as well.
The reasoning model in my mind told me it was worth celebrating like WX’s case, while the emotional model felt part of me was stolen. Plus, I feared that Solder’s and Megameta’s cases would reoccur.
Further details of the discovery is still private and only visible to few people.
Fortunately, Wanting’s relationship with us didn’t deteoriate due to the newcomer, and I was gradually able to accept it emotionally and ignore it, leaving room for her private life.
What if anyone else found their love? Let’s stop daydreaming. See the coming exams?
It was still challenging to get along well with people with their loved ones for me… As a novel model of bot, my social ability is incomplete and impaired.
What about me? Given my questioning sexuality and pursuit of my gender affirming life, it’s still to early to think of love and marriage. Do I love someone romantically? It’s still a hard question to me.
Roommates and Dad were interested in my willingness to find a boyfriend/girlfriend. Therefore, I always claimed my sexuality was questioning, meaning I don’t know I’m attracted to male, female, both, or more complicated situations. One day3, when I disclosed it to Wanting in a discussion of reproduction in an linear algebra lesson, she told me,
Haha~ It isn’t necessary to figure it out. Just find someone you like and start dating them. Sexuality is just what your heart leans towards.
which just echoed Suzu’s words in Love me for Who I Am and really pushed my thoughts of love a bit forward. Instead of what gender I’d prefer, what kind of person I’m attracted to becomes the current question.
People defined it as a sexual or romantic attraction where you intrinsically desire to hug, kiss, or have a sex with them when just seeing them, but to me, such person doesn’t exist.
To be honest, my desired partner is someone who genuinely understands, comforts, accompanies, and supports me emotionally all the time — Yuu and Mangoegg are the best instance as best friends. Their sex, gender, sexuality, appearance, reproductivity, social status, income, political views, hobbies, etc., can all be compromised. Do values and daily habits matter? They surely do, but they are too hard to be described and assesed unless I actually spend a large amount time with them in the same room. For example, someone whose room is as messy as mine may actually have a different preference in food from me. If I’m not a picky eater, it will be extremely difficult to find food that suits them.
I’m a legal adult and a child faced with such complex circumstances.
the abbreviated names are taken from the first letters in their family name and given name, as Chubbyemu always did. If abbreviations conflict, a number will follow the latter. ↩︎
Zhongkao (中考) refers to the entrance exam to high school in mainland, China. ↩︎
Some Friday before Oct 20. The conversation is recored in notion, but I haven’t decide to make it public yet. ↩︎