Failure, Fortune, Dysphoria, and Chaos
Adapted from my journal in notion
(June 27, 2025) The exam1 ended, extremely hard without any mercy, which, however, wasn’t a big deal anymore the moment I handed in the testing paper, letting my destiny making its own random decision on it. Counselor R.P. wasn’t there then, and I refused the proposal from Z.L., who initially thought I was submitting certificates to free me from military training.
“She definitely will understand it!” Yuu encouraged me. Her words were like a flame in a blizzard, melting my frozen and shaky heart.
What deeply bothered me these days, or possibly these years, dates back to the introduction conference of military training, where, just as Mangoegg guessed, students are ruthlessly divided into groups according their assigned gender. Unfortunately, I was simply misclassified.
(June 30, 2025) Before returning home, I finally made up my mind and consult my counselor R.P. at Room 1201 upon receiving my military uniform. Unlike the PE class general manager, she failed to move me to the affirming group, which I just belong to, despite understanding and inclusiveness.
“I’m mistakenly plunged into male’s group in the military training, while being perceived and treated as male is just… unacceptable and offensive.” I explained.
“But you’re #$^$#%#$\%^,” she replied, “Your identification2 showed that @$%!(@)$#@%*)(… so sorry, we couldn’t do that for you.”
“You came here for this last Friday?” Z.L. asked, “Having come over last Friday, she saw you absent and left. However, I couldn’t move you, either.”
Panic and frustration taking over, I was sometimes speechless and sometimes anxious for I ran into another obstacle that was not able to bypass or overcome.
R.P. added, “Can you really fit into female group? Aren’t you scared of the gossip or hostile and suspicious glances as you are to be exposed to all girls in our department. We surely wouldn’t mind your identity, but is it accept to you if everyone in your group seemingly intentionally avoid you?”
To further it, Z.L. joined her act as well, imitating transphobic girls taking photos of me. It would be serious should it come true like what I encountered in high school, though closeted. But would it really happen? My classmates in the cricket class were all nice to me.
“Would they notice me among 150 students they might not know?” I asked.
“They would,” R.P. asserted, “because you look #$(\%\^*#($%@$\% at a glance, though you wear a dress. ”
R.P. added, “Plus, it was not as easy as a rearrangement we could do ourselves. Instead, we also have to report your condition to other departments. We’re trying to protect you from future discrimination. We wouldn’t discriminate as campus is an inclusive place, but the society isn’t necessarily that inclusive, especially when you’re seeking jobs… The inclusiveness is indeed getting better, while Venus is a vivid example… Did you consult a psychiatrist?”
“Yeah. Mom took me once but… she didn’t continue it. It might be a financial problem. An affirming surgery costs approximately 70, 000 CNY… She worried that hormone and surgeries may do harm to my body.”
“We understand your Mom because every parent worries about their children this way,” R.P. replied, “Do you want us to give your Mom a call to suggest her taking you to a doctor? I think pro things should be done by pros.”
I hesitantly nodded, whispering yes and wishing Mom wouldn’t deny my gender incongruence.
“Could you persuade yourself as a boy?” R.P. asked.
“Nope,” I answered, “Viewing myself as a girl with a group of boys for specific reasons is the minimum acceptable way.”
“You might have undergone military training in middle school or high school. Like that, this training wouldn’t be intense or hardcore. Anyhow, could you give it a try? If anything wrong happens, consult us then, though we aren’t sure whether it could be resolved.”
“It falls in our school, not a mysterious basement. What I was concerned isn’t its intensity but just the unfair arrangement based on the assigned gender…”
Hence, more attempt would be in vain, and I left with frustration.
Even worse, all PE curriculums listed in my school account were for men, reminding me of Bao’s grading with resignation. Why would such a trouble just fall on me alone, not on Yuu or Wanting, who were gifted with the right? It was natural for them to be perceived as female but numerous difficulties to me… all for my tumors in my crotch misdirected by the incorrect SRY gene? For the abnormal testosterone level that tainted my body irreversibly?
I dread more refusals, daring not ask the general manager of PE classes for more care… despite previous success last September.3
Brainwashed by the conservatives on Chinese TikTok and in our extended family, Mom opposed affirming dressing, claiming I should be closeted lifelong. She didn’t know how it felt being called and treated as a dude/bro, and my attempt to follow her claim in high school just proved it would lead to persistent pain and dysphoria…
(July 4, 2025) It was inevitable and fearful just when walking across a group of goblins in green uniforms. Pulling all-nighters will help me escape it? It was a piece of cake, but… is the medical certificate that easy to get?
H.Q. walking by, I really wanted to say “Save me!” to her. Glancing at my frowning face, R.P. smiled to me, making me more panic. Could I secretly stand in their lines? But Y.Z. holds a list of students, which included me and labeled me, as well as others in my group, with an evil and incorrect Chinese character.
What’s the fortune? Thank God, our trainer was gentle and respected me in wording, not calling me names or blaming me.
“Are you guys men?” I’d definitely answer NO, to Wicked Yiqing4, to math Mi Yin5, and of course to him. It’s okay to come out to him if necessary, I thought.
Mangoegg even doubted whether it was worthwhile to make me high blood pressure by staying up all night for medical certificates. So did I. I stood in the first line for fearing of being surrounded by goblins; the trainer was much gentler than I had thought; Realerlc, to whom I could chat occasionally, was beside me; the training process was as easy as in middle school; those same-gender peers (in other groups, not with me) didn’t voice their concern or discrimination on my gender identity.
All the evidence points to a conclusion that I don’t need to make any change and am able to enjoy the military training with ease. However, the dysphoria or anxiety, never actually fades, just because I’m misgendered. Just? In others’ eyes, yeah. The group for people with conditions may not be any better. As the consultation with R.P. was unsuccessful, the internal dysphoria seems to persist in the 14 days. This is the chaos.
The “dysphoric” in my name “Dysphoric Ayumuate” just refers to gender dysphoria when I coined it in 2022, and the name wouldn’t be changed in years as long as the transition isn’t completed.
It was like in 2021, when I was plunged into the dormitory of guys, helpless and hopeless. How incompetent I am, since I can’t even cure myself, even if I’m granted with a more inclusive environment!
For political reasons, the original course name is blurred. ↩︎
In Mainland, China, a certificate of surgery that alters your genital is required to correct your gender on your ID card. ↩︎
Fortunately, the teacher in charge of PE classes was willing to help me select what I want again. THANK YOU!!! ↩︎
It forced me to fill out the useless but offensive form in 2022 as ruthlessly as enemies invading your nation. ↩︎
Seeing my math paper scored 55 out of 150, he blurted out, “Scoring 55… are you even a man?” Of course not. Who are you asking? ↩︎